New house, yet again

self (frustrated): Where the **** is that notebook?
wifey dear (exclaiming): You packed it.
self (with questioning looks): So? You are supposed to track and remember things in this house!
wifey dear (giving up): Sheesh. Are you a kid?
self (childishly): Yeah!
wifey dear (finding the notebook for me): Now don't lose it and try remembering things once in a while.
self (aggressively): Aren't both your jobs in this house?!
wifey dear (taunting): Oh you won't improve ever.
self (whistling): Should have thought so before marrying me!

This is the sixth house in past three years (since I came to Noida). She says she feels nomadic since she got married ;-)


[Shameless clarification: No fault of mine! This time the landlord got it vacated within 4 months, because suddenly they wanted to shift! Before that I changed jobs. And before that we wanted to reduce my commute by more than 20 km.]


Sometimes we feel like supporting the families of some property dealers here in Noida! If you need some advice, I can talk endlessly about what to look for, and through whom. At least, till my memory is fresh. Oh wait, all of it will get revised in a few months anyway ;-)


PS: Incidentally I am listening to 3 doors down's Runaway right now. One of the most 'beautiful songs' I ever listened to!

I want to be a Child again

I wish to be as playful as a child, with a kid's selectivity, with a kid's energy...

This is so beautiful--this is vaguely what I believe in when I say that world needs more love.

PS: This is the link at the end of the screen-shot.

... and life does not always go on

The worst things that can happen to a relationship are misunderstandings/ego/anger/mistrust. Or may be the worst happens AFTER this--when further ego doesn't let anyone take the initiative to fix the issues. Ironically, all it requires is a small gesture of talking that first step--just a phone call, or a sorry, giving personal space, etc.

No matter how much we've opined about cherishing this relationship throughout the life, but when time comes to bent down for its sake, we rarely do. Its not that the opinions/thoughts/wishes were fake, we would've meant it genuinely, willing to beg-borrow-steal for the sake of the relationship, but when it comes to bending back we develop so much inertia in our minds that we let our treasured people go away, without addressing the mis-happenings.

Either people forsake the relationship or last minute desperate attempts to revive it makes love to forsake the relationship. We become too conceited or take our loved ones so much for granted, as to not be able to realize what's going wrong, when it goes wrong. And later it might come to being just a mended survival not a lovable existence.

Alas! just for those few (un)said words, that missed moment, that common-sense that became so uncommon, that presence of mind which never prevailed, that phone call which never came, that explanation which was never given on time, that sensibility which didn't make sense during the storm.... And it raged on!

Hazar rahein mud ke dekhin
Kahin se koi sada na aayi
Badi wafa se nibhayi tumne
Hamari thodi si bewafai

Jahan se tum mod mud gaye the
Ye mod ab hi wahin pade hain
Hum apne pairon mein jaane kitne
Bhanwar lapete hue khade hain

Badi wafa se nibhayi tumne
Hamari thodi si bewafai

Kahin kisi roz yun bhi hota
Hamari haalat tumhari hoti
Jo raat humein guzari marr ke
Vo raat tumne guzari hoti

Badi wafa se nibhayi tumne
Hamari thodi si bewafai

Tumhe ye zid thi ke hum bulate
Humein ye ummid vo pukarein
Hai naam hoton pe ab bhi lekin
Aawaz mein pad gayi dararein

Hazar rahein mud ke dekhim
Kahin se koi sada na aayi
Badi wafa se nibhayi tumne
Hamari thodi si bewafai.

Tags Galore

Here is the tag of '3's taken over from Pri's.
Mostly it is 'coz this is introspective and slightly 'coz I wanted to make up for not taking Pri's previous tag and I needed something to post, as the blog has been complaining a lot lately ;-)

Anyways, here I go without much digressions ...

3 smells I love:
- any home made food! (yeah I live to eat :D)
- obnoxious smells of chemicals, etc. Not that I dig them much but I do love to sniff a 2nd or 3rd time if they hit my nose once! We had vials of acetone, xylene, glycerine at home in our fridge which I loved to sniff once in a while:D of course other smells were available in papa's lab! oh & not to forget the Kipp's apparatus :P
- her hair! (okok I know it is not exactly a smell per se, but a manifestation of my feelings! but what the heck, I love it :"> )


3 smells I hate:
- perfumes!!! (I don't know why but probably it is this thot in my head that no one needs to make up and fake up. I hate any makeup whatsoever :| )
- BO.
- those ones emanating from open drains, gutters in city :(


3 jobs I had in my life:
hehe! what kind of tag is this Pri? You should have modified the points for jobless people :P If thank you services also count then may be I do have 3 jobs to talk about!
- unofficial and official system administrator in hostel for 2 years (had helluva painful time)
- student rep in computer center of insti (I wish I had kicked a lot more ass than I did. Though I'm darn proud of never ever doing any moral policing:) )
- lately was freelancing online.


3 forever-watchable movies:
- don't argue about JUST THIS one - I do hate typical hindi movies but somehow I have already watched 'Rehna Hai Tere Dil Mein' more than a dozen times. All my frnds are sick of the movie now :P
- Some of these high rated (by me) romantic movies, the so called chick flicks!
- hardcore War movies with lotsa action.


3 fond memories:
- preparations for IIT entrance! (it was Gupta Tutorials, 2000-01, nearly killed us, but was worth it - the teachers, frnds, hardwork, IIT itself!)
- 1st year in college (i know, i know this one counts for everyone)
- THAT first kiss :> (no comments ;) )


3 jobs I'd love to have:
(un)fortunately I am not the so-called career oriented guy, as I like to put it 'an unambitious slog':| So the jobs I crave for are average ones only. I sincerely believe money corrupts + I would never do a job that holds me away from my family after 7-8 pm! There are bigger joys in smaller things, than just slogging :|
- be a technical lead in some small startup IT company :)
- be a technical writer, writing in IT field.
- to be a registered doctor (and to quote Pri, "sigh! everyone can dream cant they ??:-/")


3 things I love to do:
how ridiculous to give only 3 options for things that any person would love to do!!! So I think I'll put generic stuff here instead of any particular activities.

- Talk with & listen to frnds, at a personal level.
- Live. well everyone loves to be alive :P but what I mean is more or less summed up in these lines from the movie Demolition Man - "I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green jello all over my body reading playboy magazine."
(mind you, I don't run naked anywhere, haven't ever read playboy (there is better p0rn literature to read!), and don't eat non-veg but I hope you get the gist, from these lines, of what is meant by 'living'!)


3 of my fav foods:
again what a limited choice of options for a person who lives to eat ;-)
- ALL vegetables, when cooked by mum! (i know its weird, but somehow all vegetables are my fav. even be it the kadwa karela)
- self-plucked fruits! (sigh! such fantasies rarely materialize!)
- Continental and Chinese food at typical restaurants in the city, though always experimenting:D (I don't drink colddrinks, tea; don't like pizzas, always cut down on bread, hate fried stuff and mostly desist fast food!. . . phew i know to some ppl I am boring :-" )


3 places I would like to be right now:
- Delhi, for obvious reasons ;)
- New York! there are other personal reasons too!
- any green mountain ranges - partly lost and mostly trekking!


3 things which make me cry:
shit! why was this question here?
- senti dad-son scenes in movies :|
- the way tunnel-visioned parents still smother their children :|
- some songs which are of significance in my personal life (I'm compiling them into an album!)



Phew so many thoughts ..... I think I am gonna fall out and get some fresh morning breeze! Its 7am and I am getting all senti about being myself, since last 2 hours!
And the tag goes out to anyone who wants to take it up :-) I'd love to read everything anyone might have to say.

Current Music: Switchfoot! I'm Learning To Breathe, I'm learning to crawl ...

A Farcical

- "IITian nahi to kam se kam engineer to honi hi chahiye."

- "dekhne mein sundar to ho; figure to thoda accha ho. koi dekhe to tareef to kare ki kitni acchi dikhti hai ladki."

- "Business families mein koi padhai-likhai par dhayaan to deta nahi hai.. unke bacche bhi sab aise hi bewakoof hote hai."

- "dilli, bumbai ki ladkiya sab aisi hi hoti hai.. kal kisi aur ke saath, aaj tere saath, parso kisi aur ke saath hogi. hum rooz dekhte hai ladkiyon ko yaha par, kaise aage peeche ghoomti rehti hai ladko ko phasane ke liye; aur ladke bewakoof hote hai, kuch smajhte nahi hai."

- "B.Com bhi koi degree hoti hai kya?.. aur ghar baithe to koi gadha bhi MBA kar leta hai. in sab degrees ki koi value nahi hoti."

- "obesity ke karan old age mein kitni bimariya hoti hai tumhe pata nahi hai.. high cholesterol, heart problems, high blood pressure, etc... puri life bus bimariyon ka illaj hi karwate rehna, tab pata chalega."

- "obesity aur yeh sab health problems future generations ko bhi pass over ho sakti hai!"

- "ho sakta hai apne baare mein sab jhoot bol rahi ho... tujhe kya pata woh wahi hai jo bol rahi hai... accha khasa bewakoof IITian ladka mil gaya to koi ladki chodti hai kya?"

- "ho bhi sakta hai woh aur uske parents, sab mil kar yeh plot kar rahe ho... making you believe all that so that you develop sympathy for her.. unhe to accha bhadiya IITian ladka mil raha hai."

- "looks, money, degree yeh sab bhi matter karta hai. pyar-vyar kuch nahi hota. saath rehne lag jao to kuch time mein kutte se bhi pyar ho jaata hai."

- "hum bhi is age se gujar chuke hai. tujhse zyada humne duniya dekhi hai. thode time baad sab bhool jaate hai. yeh sab timepass hota hai. koi kisi ko yaad nahi rakhta."

- "we always trusted in you soo much. this is such a breach of our faith in you."

- "log kya kahenge!"


Current Mood & Music: Read here.

What I Want ?

Haven't been blogging since the whole month! Had end semester exams in april then project work and after that when I got time to sit back and think I realised how much I was missing her ever since she has shifted :-( And this past fortnight has been THE LOWEST time in my life, sleepless, hungerless, highly emotional, tearful sometimes, hurtful, and was quite a turmoil.

Noo do not start with your own set of worries and consolations 'coz I am back to normal again, almost normal :D Going home right away and I know I am gonna be my bubbly self again :-)

The last week saw breaking of some of my own rules which appealed to me strongly all my life, but I realised I was immature! I've always believed in giving everyone their freedom and personal space, so much so that putting aside my expectations I never spoke about what I wanted - I just always tagged along with whatever she wanted!

But off late I think it has lead to soo many unfulfilled expectations that they were eating me inside out :-(( I guess we are all humans, not god-like. With so much time, effort and feelings invested in, we do expect things back. Probably striking a balance between expecting and demanding and giving our loved ones their freedom is what it is all about :-?

I feel this works only when the other person does NOT work under any obligation and strikes a balance between getting his/her happiness and fulfilling other's expectations. If he/she knows how to say NO sometimes and still care with all their heart I would say thats THE PERFECT MATCH!

There is a lot of joy in fulfulling the desires of our loved ones, the desire to be needed. When we are of some use to others, when we are indespensible it boosts self esteem and makes us feel more loved and needed.

I am quoting the following lines from a book on friendship titled "I Love You Just Because". Incidently, I got this book for standing 1st in V standard. Donno why I saved it all along, and for no reason carried it here to my hostel room from home. May be I was meant to be realising the depth of these words NOW, even though I have been reading this book over and over again all these years! Though written for friends I believe it equally applies to loved ones too.

Sweetheart, I hope you will understand what I want and be an 'Open Book'. It is not always about giving, it is about taking also - if one doesn't take how can the other give? I know we both have NOT been this way and I haven't been soo true to my heart, but I have come out of my shell, now the turn is your's.

________________________________________________________________

"I remember hating
a professor
for a strange reason.
He would not let me
do anything for him.
If I opened the door for him
he would shove me through.
If I offered to
be of service
he turned me down
with some snide remark
about not being helpless.
He was smug and
self sufficient.
He needed nothing
from me.
And I hated him.
Why?
I had a need to be needed.
He frustrated that need.

To have friends
we need humility.

A person who is
so full of himself
that there is
no room for anyone else
in his life
will go thru’ life friendless.

We cannot build friendships
by towering over others.
We have to get down
from our high horse
of pride and self-centeredness
and meet people
on ground level.

A proud and selfish person
finds it impossible to see value
in another person-
any value or importance
that is meaningful to him.
If he cannot see this,
he cannot enter into a
genuine friendship,
because when we extend
the palm of friendship
we are telling someone:
“You are important to me
You bring new value
into my life.”

Friends need to be needed.
We have to allow our friends
to be of service.
This doesn’t mean
we can become
overbearing in our demands
on his time and talent.
But it does mean
we must graciously
accept whatever services
he wants to render.

There is no comfort
or solace in my gifts
and talents unless
there is someone
who needs me."

_____________________________________________________________

All said and done I have been feeling lighter since 2 days, more relaxed than before. I am getting my normal sleep again and dont spent the night counting cobwebs on my ceiling ;-)


I am leaving for home right away. Shall be back on 30th May. My online life would be going at a snail's pace, doing the bare minimum things. Wont be active on blogger, orkut and YM.
Bye for the time being, I shall see all of you around in June :-)

Another of my Unfulfilled Dream

UPDATE:
Firstly, my heartfelt thanks to each and every wish for b'day and exam and general ones. It over-whelming! I've never had so many b'day wishes before :D Belated ones are still flowing in ;) Well I sincerely believe that when wishes are for a whole lifetime then a few days here and there don't matter :) Thanks neetie. Oh the same goes for thanks too ;) So pls everyone accept my belated thanks - was 'busy killing-time' (sounds so oxymoronic!) and with exams hence did not reply to comments.

Secondly, I had not thought that half the people reading it would fall for the prank even after seeing the date ;-) Still those who fell for the prank - their wishes for a better life were over whelming. No I am not going anywhere. Just getting degree normally, normal job, an average life overall :P
________________________________________________________

Wrote this years ago. But its now that I cannot sleep whole night missing someone and affirming my belief in miracles at 5 am!

What if I knew a lil' bit of Magic ?
These nights wouldn't have been, then, so tragic.
for,then I won't be dozing off here.
instead, we would have been near.

I wouldn't have to sit here & miss you so much.
would have fulfiled my wish, of you to touch.
yes, to touch you, to feel you, to talk to you all night.
since u are the only thing that seem so right.

But ain't I making a fool of the reality around me.
but isn't it you and your name that right now surround me?
Oh yes, even this reality is soo relative a term, it seems!
Anyways this magic will remain just another of my unfulfilled dreams.

Location : balcony of my room after an all-nighter. early morning time.
. . . and wanting to fly to her !!


Current Music: I Believe in Miracles!

Dream Guy

"Since childhood every girl has some picture of her dream boy or prince charming in her mind. "How should he look like, what qualities should he have?”, and many more things. And they always believe that someone somewhere is definitely made for us.

I also have some expectations, some pictures in my mind about my soul mate. How he looks is not important to me but ‘does he love me or not’ is definitely the first and important thing that I would like to know. He may not be fair and handsome, but he should be smart enough. He should have a personality of his own. The one with such a charisma and character that people always get attracted towards him. But he should be intelligent and well educated too.

The one who cares for me as a small baby whenever needed and the one who corrects me whenever I am wrong, who scolds me for my mistakes, and praises me when I am right. The one whom I can respect and get the same from him also. The one who can speak his heart out to me and listens to me, without being defensive.

He should have a mind of his own and should not be afraid to voice his opinions. He should be confident enough physically as well as emotionally. The one who helps me to know myself more and more and the one who can control my anger, as when I am angry I am as bad as a lioness. The one with whom my chemistry, understanding ability should be such that when we are not together, still we can make out what would be going in the other person’s mind.

The main thing is he shouldn’t smoke and drink (not at all). He should be friendly to everyone. The one who asks me my desires and wants and never get offended by the truth.

He should pay the same respect to my parents as he has for his own parents. He shouldn’t be their son-in-law, but son. And be a big brother to my younger brothers. He himself should be residing with his parents, brothers and sisters, and not away from them.

Finally financial stability does matter. I am not seeking for a luxurious life, but a happy and comfortable life. He shouldn’t be hesitant while talking to me about his problems. How small it may be, doesn’t matter to me, it may be mentally, financially or physically or any other – he should discuss it with me.

Last but not the least he may not be perfect , but I want an imperfect person in a perfect way."


Its mind boggling and I am speechless!
I feel zapped out!