What I Want ?

Haven't been blogging since the whole month! Had end semester exams in april then project work and after that when I got time to sit back and think I realised how much I was missing her ever since she has shifted :-( And this past fortnight has been THE LOWEST time in my life, sleepless, hungerless, highly emotional, tearful sometimes, hurtful, and was quite a turmoil.

Noo do not start with your own set of worries and consolations 'coz I am back to normal again, almost normal :D Going home right away and I know I am gonna be my bubbly self again :-)

The last week saw breaking of some of my own rules which appealed to me strongly all my life, but I realised I was immature! I've always believed in giving everyone their freedom and personal space, so much so that putting aside my expectations I never spoke about what I wanted - I just always tagged along with whatever she wanted!

But off late I think it has lead to soo many unfulfilled expectations that they were eating me inside out :-(( I guess we are all humans, not god-like. With so much time, effort and feelings invested in, we do expect things back. Probably striking a balance between expecting and demanding and giving our loved ones their freedom is what it is all about :-?

I feel this works only when the other person does NOT work under any obligation and strikes a balance between getting his/her happiness and fulfilling other's expectations. If he/she knows how to say NO sometimes and still care with all their heart I would say thats THE PERFECT MATCH!

There is a lot of joy in fulfulling the desires of our loved ones, the desire to be needed. When we are of some use to others, when we are indespensible it boosts self esteem and makes us feel more loved and needed.

I am quoting the following lines from a book on friendship titled "I Love You Just Because". Incidently, I got this book for standing 1st in V standard. Donno why I saved it all along, and for no reason carried it here to my hostel room from home. May be I was meant to be realising the depth of these words NOW, even though I have been reading this book over and over again all these years! Though written for friends I believe it equally applies to loved ones too.

Sweetheart, I hope you will understand what I want and be an 'Open Book'. It is not always about giving, it is about taking also - if one doesn't take how can the other give? I know we both have NOT been this way and I haven't been soo true to my heart, but I have come out of my shell, now the turn is your's.

________________________________________________________________

"I remember hating
a professor
for a strange reason.
He would not let me
do anything for him.
If I opened the door for him
he would shove me through.
If I offered to
be of service
he turned me down
with some snide remark
about not being helpless.
He was smug and
self sufficient.
He needed nothing
from me.
And I hated him.
Why?
I had a need to be needed.
He frustrated that need.

To have friends
we need humility.

A person who is
so full of himself
that there is
no room for anyone else
in his life
will go thru’ life friendless.

We cannot build friendships
by towering over others.
We have to get down
from our high horse
of pride and self-centeredness
and meet people
on ground level.

A proud and selfish person
finds it impossible to see value
in another person-
any value or importance
that is meaningful to him.
If he cannot see this,
he cannot enter into a
genuine friendship,
because when we extend
the palm of friendship
we are telling someone:
“You are important to me
You bring new value
into my life.”

Friends need to be needed.
We have to allow our friends
to be of service.
This doesn’t mean
we can become
overbearing in our demands
on his time and talent.
But it does mean
we must graciously
accept whatever services
he wants to render.

There is no comfort
or solace in my gifts
and talents unless
there is someone
who needs me."

_____________________________________________________________

All said and done I have been feeling lighter since 2 days, more relaxed than before. I am getting my normal sleep again and dont spent the night counting cobwebs on my ceiling ;-)


I am leaving for home right away. Shall be back on 30th May. My online life would be going at a snail's pace, doing the bare minimum things. Wont be active on blogger, orkut and YM.
Bye for the time being, I shall see all of you around in June :-)